Good Bye 2013…..

I am really very glad and looking forward to end this year. This has been the worst year for every member of our family. I lost two brothers and a brother-in-law in a time span of 4 months. I really do not know from where I got the strength to stay as a pillar of support to the family. For me personally, the most devastating year was 2008 when I lost my husband and none was there for me to hold on to. That year was a testing period for me from Baba, and of course He and my husband and my parents (none of them are with me physically, but only with the spirits) helped me to pull through the horrendous phase of my life and they all helped me to guide my life in the right direction. There was not a single day in that year I haven’t cried. Somedays I went crazy, and just stepped out of the apartment walking miles and miles in Manhattan listening to songs and even crying sometimes, even if it is late evenings also. I regained all the strength and support from my sorrow only.

My husband and I walked a lot in Manhattan. I have so many fond places in New York City, where we used to sit, have our coffees, did our shoppings. My husband loved to drink coffee in small cafes, diners etc., and have a pastry. Since we did not have kids, we both lived our lives for each other and enjoyed and relished every simple moments of life. we both loved watching Tennis. He is the one who actually taught me all the rules of the game and the first year I watched and learned about Tennis was 1987, that is the reason I love and adore Steffi Graf. We used to have croissants and coffee for ‘Breakfast at Wimbledon’ with out a miss.

Within one month of my husband’s demise, I joined New York Cares organization (volunteer organization) and signed up for various projects and finally settled down with teaching Math and English to GED students – 2 hours from Monday through Thursday evenings after finishing my work. I have been doing this for the last 6 years.

But this year is a huge curse to our family as we lost three members one after the other in four months. Life has become very uncertain. I can not even plan/count on the next moment. I am very scared. Not scared because something would happen to me, but scared because I do not have any strength left to face any more. I have been staying at my sister’s place since the day my brother-in-law passed away on 5 November. I am commuting to work from my sister’s house and since I live very close – 5 minutes walking from my work, I have been going to my apartment during lunch time everyday. I do not know how long I would continue to do this, but I am very afraid to leave my sister. I am sure she and her son, Karthi would get all the strength from my brother-in-law and my only prayer to Baba and to my brother-in-law is to protect them.

I am just hoping and praying that 2014 would be brighter and happier for all our family members ….

My only request to everyone …

Do Celebrate Life With Loved Ones.. For Not Even Our Next Breath Is Certain! _/!\_ for #HAPPINESS !


the cruelity of reality …

My two elder brothers decided to leave this world in just 7 weeks time. How cruel the reality could be than this … it should not happen to the most worst enemy of mine.

I have been away from home for 33 years. I haven’t been to India very often. Only after my husband passed away 5 years ago, I started going to India almost every year. So most of my prime life I was away from the family. We are eight siblings and we were very close. Even though we were physically distant apart, the bond and the love exist for ever. gandhi babu and chinna babu

Some random thoughts going over my paralyzed mind.

All the family will be missing you both for ever. We were really shocked to hear this news. How did you and chinna annayya decide to leave us in a time span of 7 WEEKS. We are not able to accept the reality of life. It is very painful to think about it even.

You and chinna annayya were so close and been together almost all your lives. You both had been to the same medical college in Vizag, you got admission on merit and he got it through sports quota. You had been lived together all your college lives with amma being with you to take care of you both.

After you finished your schools, you had been to different countries in pursuit of your future, you had been to Algeria and chinna babu went to Iran.

After a few years staying apart from each other, you both had decided to stay back in India after nanna passed away. You both had moved back to Kakinada to stay in the house nanna had built. Most of your time at Kakinada, you both had been living under same roof and all your children grew up together without any differences.

Instead of molding your careers in your own professional field, you tried to venture into different business activities and tasted so much loss, but never pinpointed on any of you for your acts, you had been together through thick and thin. You had lost almost everything that you both have earned in abroad.

Then you turned your attention towards your profession and finally decided to move to Rajahmundry after amma passed away – Chinna Babu as a medical doctor at Paper Mills and you at ONGC. You had been living in separate houses, but being very close to each other.

Suddenly some misunderstandings arisen between two of you and you both have been separated – separated so very much physically as mentally. Chinna Babu moved to Tanzania where Babloo had been working and you shifted the family to Hyderabad but still working in ONGC.

Chinna babu had his last breathe in Uganda on 14 July 2013 with his last wish that his final rites to be performed by you ONLY. As per his last wish, chinna babu was brought back to Hyderabad and you stood by his side and performed every wish of chinna annayya and brought his family back into your life after 4 years of separation.

But we never expected that you both had decided to be together even in your DEATH, it is exactly seven weeks after chinna babu left us, you went searching for him. It is not FAIR at all.

For the rest of the family members, it is a big SHOCK. We haven’t been completely out of Chinna babu’s demise and another big blow.

I read somewhere that when you lose someone close to you either by blood relation or by accident or by destiny, time will heal the would, but scar remains there for ever !

Rest in Peace annayya ! Love you both !

4 January

4 January – one of the worst days of my life. I can never forget this date as long as I breathe. On this day in 2008, my husband got a heart attack. I did not even know that he had a massive attack when I was taking him to the hospital. He struggled for his breath and without knowing I was hitting on his chest and asked my niece to call 911. Before the help came, he seemed to be normal and looking into my eyes and told me ‘naaku em avvaledu, nenu baganae unnanu ani’. I did not know at that moment those would be his last words. I was shocked to know from the doctors that he had a massive heart attack and nothing would help him no matter whatever they try and he may not come out of the operation table. With zero hopes and with just faith in Baba, I asked the doctors to do whatever they can. But miraculously, they were able to put the stent. I thought Baba was kind enough for us and thought and believed that it would be a matter of time that he would come out of the sedation effect. He did not come out of the sedation and he fought for 17 days and finally gave up the battle on 21 January and left me alone in this world. I still cannot believe how he could do that to me. During that period, Lakshmi was kept on saying that he did not want to leave me and go and hence he had fought for 17 days. I hope that was true. Even when I wished him ‘Happy New Year” on 1 Jan, he said, “yeah it is New Year but would it be happy?”. True to each letter, 2008 was the miserable year of my whole life.

He was a typical Aquarian – inventive, unique, stubborn, and at times very unpredictable; he was friendly, kind and humanitarian, but very private

He was a big fighter, and he did not know the meaning of ‘giving up’. He fought for many causes throughout his service in various highly prestigious positions(District Magistrate, District Collector, Managing Director of Co-operative Supermarkets, Chief Executive of an Industrial Cooperative, Chairman of the Small Farmers Development agency and Tribal Development Agency, Director of Backward Classes Welfare, Commissioner of Hindu Religious and Charitable Endowments to name some) he has held when he was in India His heart was always close to the under privileged people – let it be the rural development in Srikakaulam or allowing any person who has an interest to learn Vedas irrespective of caste, creed or sex. He laid sankusthapana (foundation) for few temples in USA – Sri Venkateswara Temple in Pittsburgh, Sri Meekanshi Temple in Houston. He played a vital role in getting H1 visas to priests who came to this country to serve the God and the people and ultimately themselves.

For all his kind hearted, unselfish work rendered to the society (Manava sevae Madhava seva , మానవ సేవే మాధవ సేవ – he has done service to human beings and to God also by administering 30000 temples), Baba has taken utmost care of him  I am sure Baba must have provided him a much better place now and taking care of him so fondly.

He is my best friend for ever and I miss him very dearly in every little thing I do. Without our knowledge, I have learnt many things from him and whatever I am today, that is because of him and his ‘sangathyam’. I am really fortunate to have him as a major part of my life and looking forward to reach him at the earliest with the hope that he must be waiting for me somewhere as he always did.

Halloween 2011

I am really not a big fan of Halloween but it seems like my nieces are. Madhu and Swathi with their Halloween makeups. They are amazingly stunning, especially Swathi, bow to your creativity. Love you both girls !

Kids who amaze me all the time with their hidden talent – part 1

I love to be with kids around – endukantae it is very easy to be one among them. I have many kids in my life. They love me as much as I do love them. It happens to be close with some and if we spend some time, some quality time with them, we would find some amazing qualities in them.

In 2008, I have signed up a voluntary activity with New York Cares – “Making Get Well greeting cards” for the kids who have been hospitalised with some critical illnesses. Sunny has shown interest in this project and he accompanied me. His graffiti work really amazed me. We both made almost 15 cards from the scratch, of course with our own creativity. We thought we could make cards for all the occasions in the family from then on. Nenu aithae full excited, andari birthdays ki cards nene chesukovalani, asalu konakudaani, but BTW I never made a single card since then.


Everyone may know that Rachana is learning drawing from a renowned teacher. In 2010, she gave me her creative Ganesha on the day before Vinayaka Chavithi and I was really touched by her artistic abilities and the Ganesha’s wish to come to my house on such an auspicious day.

Small glitch in her artwork, she forgot to draw His vahanaMooshika. I am even more thrilled with the fact that He wouldn’t leave my house (transportation problem) and stays at my place PERMANENTLY. Yey !